The day started like any other day. I wake up at 5:30am, leave the house at 6:00am, and get to the warehouse at 6:45am, just in time for my 15-minute loading window. As it turns out, today I was assigned 82 meters! That can mean only one thing: APARTMENTS! When switching out meters at apartments or condos, all of the meters are located in one room. We work inside and don't have to move from house to house to change out the meters. I was going to knock out all 82 by lunch time and go home early on a Friday.
Side note on appointments: As part of our routes, sometimes appointments are thrown into the mix. These addresses are mandatory and must be completed, no matter what! These are born when installers visit the same address on three different occasions and the people either aren't home and there's a dog loose in the yard (see post #1), or the owner is home but there's an old man trying to cock-block your install (see post #2). At this point, the company calls the customer and tells them that someone WILL show up and they schedule a time when the meter can be accessed.
Today I had three appointments that made up my 82 meter route. That means I had a 79 meter long cake walk!
PRO: The three appointments were all clustered together geographically.
CON: The appointments were 6.5mi away from the rest of the 79 meters.
CON: The appointments had to all be completed between 9am and 11am.
Suck...
So I drive to the first apartment and get there by 7:30am.
MAN, I'm making good time!
I switch out 8 meters in the first room and gather my things to move on to the next room. Arriving at the next room, I notice that the numbers on the meters don't coincide with what's on my route sheet. I walk back outside, burning ever precious time like a pothead watching Maury and watching all those "go back to school NOW" commercials come and go.
1850... I'm at the right address...
Turns out I wasn't at the right address. Turns out it was the right number, but wrong street. Turns out I lost 30 minutes making sense of this debacle. Now its time to move on to the appointments and come back to these apartments later.
Don't worry, the drugs are coming up soon, keep reading!
After driving all the way to the appointments, the first two weren't much of a problem except for one where the owner was 15 minutes late in arriving to open the gate and the other where the combination given to us for the padlock was right, but the customer didn't specify that you had to put the digits in backwards on the lock. More time burned...
The third appointment took the cake. I pull up to this house and notice at least three papers taped to the property. One on the front gate, one on the front door, and another on the gate leading into the backyard. The note, upon closer inspection, read something like, "ATTENTION FPL CONTRACTOR FOR HONEYWELL:"
That's me...
"YOU MUST CONTACT ME BEFORE SWITCHING OUT THE METER. THERE IS INFORMATION THAT I NEED FROM YOU FIRST."
Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock
Was that five or six knocks?
A loud voice came in over a speaker above and to the right of the door. I noticed that it was poised right next to a camera. "HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
It's fuckin' Batman's house!
"I'm here to switch out your meter...?" I replied.
A short black lady with a clip board and a pencil opened the door and began, "Very well, I'm going to need some information from you first. May I have your employee ID number?"
"I don't have an employee ID number"
"Well who do I call for some type of equivalent number for my records?"
What the hell is all this about?
"Hold on ma'am, lemme call my supervisor." After a short beep on my Nextel, my boss, Lieutenant Dan I call him, made me aware of the ID number that was on the back of my name tag all along. Do you have any idea how I felt after that? It was like growing up and turning 18 and all of a sudden your parents show you your birth certificate for whatever reason and you find out you had a middle name your whole life and they never cared to tell you about it.
Son of a bitch! Whadda ya know?
This lady wrote down my ID number, my name, the security number on the back of my badge that is for employees only, and even wrote down the make and model of my car and tried to make it seem like she was interested in buying one when she was really trying to find out as much about me as possible.
Should I spread my cheeks and lift my sack too?
Needless to say, changing out the meter at Ft. Knox would probably have been quicker. Even more time burned away. I'm going to need a little "help" to get me through the remaining meters of the day. I stopped at one of those gas stations with a McDonald's in it to put something in my stomach because, as anyone with a gamer score of over 10,000 will tell you, you never drink energy drinks on an empty stomach.
...and I'm not here for just any regular energy drink!
I put some food in my stomach and moved to the gas station section and picked up the most unholiest and, by far, dangerous energy drink I have ever seen in my life. I'm talking about REDLINE and here is exactly what they print on the 8oz little can:
WARNING: NOT FOR USE BY INDIVIDUALS UNDER THE AGE OF 18 YEARS. DO NOT USE IF PREGNANT OR NURSING. Consult a physician or licensed qualified health care professional before using this product if you have, or have a family history of, heart disease, thyroid disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression or other psychiatric condition, glaucoma, difficulty in urinating, prostate enlargement, or seizure disorder, or if you are using a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) or any other dietary supplement, prescription drug, or over-the-counter drug containing ephedrine, pseudoephedrine, or phenylpropanolamine (ingredients found in certain allergy, asthma, cough or cold, and weight control products). Do not exceed recommended serving. Exceeding recommended serving may cause adverse health effects. Discontinue use and call a physician or licensed qualified health care professional immediately if you experience rapid heartbeat, dizziness, severe headache, shortness of breath, or other similar symptoms. Individuals who are sensitive to the effects of caffeine or have a medical condition should consult a licensed health care professional before consuming this product. Do not use this product if you are more than 15 pounds over weight. The consumer assumes total liability if this product is used in a manner inconsistent with label guidelines. Do not use for weight reduction. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. Do not consume synepherine or caffeine from other sources, including but not limited to, coffee, tea, soda and other dietary supplements or medications containing phenylephrine or caffeine. Do not use for more than 8 weeks. Use of this product may cause your skin to be extra sensitive to UV sources, such as artificial or natural sunlight. Avoid excessive exposures from these sources. Discontinue use two weeks prior to surgery.
In other words: this drink will fuck your shit up!
I especially like the tidbit about "Use of this product may cause your skin to be extra sensitive to UV sources, such as artificial or natural sunlight." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This shit turns you into a FUCKING VAMPIRE!! What the fuck is this!? You call this an ENERGY DRINK? No, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drug!
This is not the first time that I consume Reldline, however. The first time I consumed it, I decided to forgo the warning about only drinking half of the 8oz can at any given time. I was drinking entire 16oz cans of Monster in one sitting and I wasn't about to be daunted by a little 8oz can.
Little can, BIG MISTAKE...
This time, I was going to take it slowly. It was 11:00 am and I still had to change out 71 meters.
11:48am and 10 meters later, I felt awake, but I still lacked that extra umph that was going to get me through the day.
Oh fuck it, here goes nothing!
I slammed the other half of that drink less than 60 minutes after the first serving.
Ladies and gentlemen, THE TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION!
I started changing meters faster than I ever had before in my life. I was like an ant who couldn't stay still. I had to keep moving. Every time someone would call me I'd answer the Nextel with "Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-CHOO-CHOOOOO!!!"
Two hours later I had slammed 30 new meters into place. I was on fire... and the fire was about to be snuffed out. When the crash came it was almost as violent as the energy rush. In a matter of ten minutes I went from bullet train to mine cart. My reflexes became as sluggish as if I were drunk minus the actual intoxication. Instead of carrying three boxes at a time I dragged my feet when I carried one. I had to give away 16 of my remaining meters to a colleague who had finished early because I wasn't going to be able to finish. It was around 2pm now and the remaining 15 meters took me two hours to install. I had been at the top of the world and then came crashing down after feeling invincible; kinda like a rock star before and after his live concert.
I ended up finishing my route just barely and with my buddy's help (the one who took on 16 of my meters). I'm not sure I could have done what I did without that legalized version of crack though. Next time, I'll plan on drinking it at a time of day where I'll crash right as I should be heading back to the warehouse.
Lesson number two: Don't get high on your own supply.
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